I like my coffee in the morning and a beer at the end of the day, but I don’t think I have a substance abuse problem.

That didn’t stop me from reading this real good book:

There is so much to glean for anyone going through the 12 Steps:

• The power that substance abuse has over individuals
• The power of God to help us and the importance of having a relationship with God. (Atheists need not worry about accepting the existence of God to be successful in kicking addiction. Read the book!)
• The importance of Continuous Improvement – taking it step by step. Taking inventory and forgiving yourself to move forward.
• The Power of Making Amends.

Making Mistakes and Moving On

I’ve made a bunch of mistakes in my life that I am sorry for. These mistakes have emotional content attached that makes them really stick in my memory.

And that’s how the brain works. It reminds of the mistakes we made and this keeps us from making similar mistakes in the future.

To a fault.

In today’s Manufacturing environment, the best companies learn from their mistakes and get better. They identify areas in need of improvement and then execute a plan to be better.

Unlike our brain, there’s no looking back – only moving forward to get better.

For us humans, even when we make the change for the better, we’re still carrying the baggage of our mistakes.

I like Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) as a change mechanism because it resembles Lean Manufacturing in its methods:

• Identify an unacceptable behavior
• Establish a method to deal with it.
• When this behavior rears its ugly head in the future, apply the method

We all do this from time to time naturally. For instance, we may sense when a foul mood is coming on and avoid engagement with other people that could trigger a less than pleasant reaction. We may become quiet and keep to ourselves to prevent our mood from contagion.

This happened recently with someone that I find particularly agitating. They started their nonsense that they’ve done several times before, only this time I was ready. I was direct. I was concise. I did not permit the situation to not escalate.

Victory, right?

Not totally. My heart was racing and I was filled with adrenalin. Nothing a 2 mile jog couldn’t fix, but WTF.

I thought I handled it perfectly, but my Primitive, Reptilian bullshit of a brain wanted a fight.

Maybe CBT is not enough. Maybe I need – gulp – Therapy.

Therapy

I have been struggling with the concept of ‘therapy’ lately.

Most people agree that everyone could benefit from therapy, but how do you know your therapist is any good? There are good and bad doctors, lawyers, and accountants. Certainly the same goes for therapists. And there are several approaches to therapy. How do you know which one works best for you?

In Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life, he surmises that though there are several approaches to therapy, they all work to some extent because they all require self-disclosure – the patient to divulge what ails them. This interpersonal dump allows the person to bring things out to consciousness so they can figure out themselves what is going on.

We all need someone to listen to us – a Thera-Friend if you will. Someone to let us pour out our guts and then help us sift through the vomit to find what piece of meat is choking us.

But it can’t be just anyone. Actually, it can be just about anyone, but they need to keep their comments to themselves. They need to listen. People that aren’t qualified to give advice shouldn’t. Period. But the listening part – that can be extremely beneficial.

My friends could help me put a car together or renovate a house, but to dive into my subconscious while I let all my demons out? They simply aren’t qualified.

But when will a friend’s ear not be helpful? When do you need to call in a specialist like a therapist or psychiatrist? Sure, all of us at some time would benefit. But who? When?

I’ll blog on this more later, but let’s say for now that we decide not to go to therapy and instead to DIY our mental health.

(Yes, this sounds crazy. But it’s what most of us do.)

Back to CBT

So yeah you may benefit from a therapist, but in the meantime, what can be done to get better?

I know CBT is effective for modifying behavior. Correcting behaviors once we become aware of them eliminates the spiraling effects. In his book Upward Spiral, Alex Korb goes on about how we do the wrong things when we feel depressed. We isolate. We eat the wrong foods. We don’t exercise.

Anyone that has been in a funk before and didn’t want to do their regular exercise routine knows what I mean. If you force yourself to do the workout, you feel better afterwards – nearly every time. You CAN consciously manipulate yourself into a better mood. You CAN create an Upward Spiral.

So, yeah, you can force yourself into better behaviors with the right tools, but you still have the baggage that’s working against you. How do you deal with that?

Why was I so amped up after dealing with Mr. Agitator? There is clearly more work required.

Amends – A way of letting go

According to AA, the best place to start with letting go of your past mistakes is by making amends – by doing something to correct a mistake you have made or a bad situation you have caused. It’s an acknowledgement of an error you have made and then taking action to correct it.

Because of how our brains are wired, regrets need to be let go. You can’t wish them away or even forget them. There needs to be a formal “letting go”.

And words are not enough. There has to be action behind it. “I’m sorry” is too easy.

Funny Dream

In my senior year of high school, I was failing English. It was the only class I needed to pass in order to graduate.

It wasn’t my fault. It was one of the first classes of the day and after long nights of partying, it was difficult to get up on time. (Back in my day, seniors in high school could drink at 18).

OK, maybe it was my fault.

I ended up passing and graduating, but the result was some low form of PTSD. For many years after, I had recurring nightmares of not graduating high school and having to go back to high school as an adult. It was really embarrassing, particularly when I got into my 50’s.

When I graduated from UC Davis, I had two big graduation parties to mark the moment in time. It was important to me to make a big deal out of graduating college. Maybe THIS would stop the recurring dreams of nearly not passing English.

Instead, I have dreams of being a 60 year old, degreed engineer that NEVER GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL.

A much better approach is to make amends – to take action and get better.

I don’t feel I owe Mrs. Conway, my English teacher, an apology. I was a stupid kid. She likely had several stupid kids in her long career. I would have liked to thank her, though. I was a pain. She gave me the C-. She knew in her heart that English Lit was not in my future.

Instead, making amends for me is finishing what I start. Doing to the best of my ability with no excuses. In this way, 12th grade English Lit becomes one of the most important lessons of my high school education. Thank you, Mrs. Conway.

Let Go, Let God

How easily you are able to let go of the baggage you carry depends on how your brain is wired. Genetics, personality and mood all come into play. In general, though, making amends is a great place to start. As people have known for thousands of years, the path to forgiveness – for you to forgive yourself – is repentance.

You might think you can push the memory to the back of your head and move forward, but truth be known, you’ll keep tripping on it.

Let go of it for good. Make Amends.

Ron